Second Rate

Why am I always the second rate fucker?
Shitting pencil shavings and urging myself to keep living.
Why can’t anyone just want me?
I just want to be fucking held tightly,
Touched by warm hands,
Skin on Skin,
To have someone just fucking there for me, for once.
But,
It’s too late,
I look like a hairless spaniel,
All flabby cheeks and sunken eyes,
I smack of loneliness,
A terrible stench of pain and suffering,
Broken bones,
Damaged goods,
The browning banana.
My chest just constantly feels hollow.
I can’t even weep for myself anymore.
I can’t.

Water colour

I keep having water-coloured dreams.
They spangle with your face and his face,
I do not know who I’m holding
Where I’m holding
Why I’m holding.

But it all still turns,
It all feels great,
Circulating in warmth,
Honey dripping from a brush.

Heat and light dash across us in limbs and loves.
All I want is it to stay.
Against my sheets,
At one with my brown skin,
This joyous feeling of another human with you.
Its all I have now,
As I am deprived from all love.

Grey swirls

I’m having a bad day.
Grey swirls
Tipping edges
Sounds drowning
There will be no tunnelled light
There will be no kiss
No happiness
Just myself in rolls of grief
What’s the point in the ticking of time anyway?

Here Comes the Misery

 

Here comes the misery

The dog on the road

The teddy in the attic

So alone

Lips tightly sealed

Forgetting it all

I’m left with this mix

High

Puddle

The dust on the sill

Gaping heart

Cold

Drained

Until next time

I don’t exist

 

Slicing Through Heartstrings

 

I wonder how long it will take, to slice through your old heartstrings and purge the black from the lingering wound? How long before I am in those strong-arms without the feeling of dread and guilt? Your pain with be rife, your life changed forever. All that you’ve had and known swept away in a fireball of what could be. I wonder if I ask for too much?

But then I long for you so much, I hear you in the colours of lights and the soft drones of friend’s voices. You visit my mind everyday, all day and I bitterly hiss why can’t I be happy just for once? Why can’t I have the thing that I want?

I dread leaving you; when I move away all I can do is embrace the thought of never finally sinking into my happiness. Will you forget about our hot embraces and the soft joining of our lips? Will you turn backwards into your life and I, like an oh-so-familiar -story will get left into my broken heart and open wine bottle?

 Now we are all lost nerves and struggles, ropes around necks, cement around ankles, we are finding ourselves sinking into the hope of each other.

I want just us.

Just us.

Fast forward a couple of years and blank out all the hate and pain,

So I can give all of myself to you always.

Great Love takes time.

Life takes time.

Wait.

Wait.

For you, my beautiful, beautiful boy.